Saturday, August 13, 2011

Sweet Home Nelsonbama. I feel like a newly wed. With a really clean ass.

I came home on Thursday. I was so excited to see my hubs. I spent the entire ride home staring at him. It was like sitting beside a sexy not so strange stranger. We could not stop smiling at each other, like a pair of goofy retards.

You see we have never really been apart since we've been together. And truth be told I hate being away from him even just for one night. I don't feel like myself when I'm not around him. I am temperamental, aggressive, confident & loud. He is quiet, passive aggressive, really really intelligent, laid back & completely relaxed. All. The. Time. We are opposites, but we fit perfectly. He is the only person on the planet that has the power to calm my inner, & sometimes not so inner, angry beast. When he ain't around, the beast rages, full tit, all the time.

I thought I would miss him a whole fuckload while I was in Wellington. Seems I did, but instead of sitting around pining for him like a sad ass puss face, I was too busy working like a biatch to think about how much I missed him. There were a few phone calls & texts. We all remember the infamous LOL reply text after putting my feelings out there & saying I missed him loads. I ain't letting that one go. For a long long time.

Blake did a pre wife arrival house clean before I arrived home. He did a pretty good job although I wasn't overly impressed with the 2 week old brownie that was still sitting in the fridge from my birthday 2 weeks ago. He says to me, 'It's still good'. Bitch please, that brownie will give anyone runny bum brownies if they eat it. Possibly even death. Which is apparently not true because he's been feeding it to his mates. Wops & Cliff if you die it wasn't me, it was Blake.

A big difference between Blake & I is that I will throw shit out on or before it's used by date. He will throw stuff out, well, never. It seems that's my job. I have this weird compulsion that if something is past it's used by date, even if it hasn't been opened, it will somehow osmosis through it's packaging & taint the good food with it's ugly used by-ness. Fuck that. In the bin it goes. I've had food poisoning twice in my life. Both times I am pretty sure I died from the over shitting ring of fire, but because of the sheer magnitude of my awesome came back to life again. I will avoid going through that hell again at all costs. Even if it means being slightly anal about used by dates.

Another thing I noticed (woman see everything. It's a fact), was what can only be described as kitchen art work. My kitchen cupboards, fridge & oven all looked as though he had stood in the kitchen with a large spoon & flung vegetable soup at them. Dude I know you were bored some nights but come on!!

I was happy to be home finally. All I wanted to do was unpack my bags & relax for the night. Well my hubs had other ideas. He want to touch my boobs & bang fannys. It seemed having sex with his wife was the only thing on his mind. Not even motherfucker. I made it very clear that no relations would be happening in the Delport household that evening.

Now I have a weekend off. Like an actual weekend with NO work. I don't know what to do with myself. This is the beginning of my new position within our company which means weekends off (thank you Jebus), more money & less stress. And I tell you something, I'm fucking mclovin it. I can already feel the old non stressed version of Bex starting to bust it's way through. I've missed that bitch hard.

Anyway, it seems I'm back & ready to blog again. I missed you bitches hard too & I'm sorry for my neglect but ya know I had business to attend to.

The comments on my baby wipe poo bum post was awesome. It seems that this isn't a new magical secret. And I never once thought of the affect on plumbing. To be honest, my toilet paper consumption is a true testament to the fact I possibly don't care much for plumbing anyway. Sorry Nigel (family member that is plumber).

I placed my packet of Sesame Street bum wipes beside the toilet in our bathroom. I asked Blake this morning if he'd tried it out yet, to which he replied, 'no, it's too weird'. Now I know when my man beast lies, & he was lying. After a quick round of who can kick who's arse better marital wrestlemania, he told me yes in fact he had tried the baby wipes after his morning dump & he felt better about life knowing his backside was clean. I in turn felt better that I would not have to look at skiddy man skins the next time I do washing. Which is currently piled up like Mount Kilimanjaro by our front door. Guess what I'm doing this weekend........


P.S Blake would get mad at me if I didn't tell you all that he doesn't really skid in his undies ever. But he is a man. All men skid. You can't mess with physics. Plus I can't lie.

P.P.S In sadder news, Jonty the Goon Bird died. You don't know about Jonty but he is one of my sisters cockatiels. He was missing a chromosome & was the bird version of a Downy. I loved him because he was born with no tail feathers therefore couldn't fly. That little bastard could scale the avairy walls like spiderman on speed. I have spent many hours watching that funny little Downy bird. It seems Jonty had a fall & broke his ass. He died on Wednesday. Jonty the Goon Bird wasn't meant for this world for a long time. But I'm glad I got to meet him. He made me happy because he was special. And I hate birds. He's currently in the freezer awaiting his burial/funeral tomorrow afternoon. I won't be able to make it because I will be sleeping. So here is a tribute in song, with lyrics if you feel the need to sing along, for my special Jonty the Goon Bird.


  1. Once had the pleasure of knowing a little downy bunny rabbit, named Flowler. Yes, his name was Flowler that was not a typo. He was a funny little rabbit that provided endless entertainment because he could only hop in circles. In retrospect this was a problem, and sadly he was not meant to be long for this world either. RIP Jonty, and Flowler, and all the little downy animals that have passed before and after them :)

  2. You can buy wipes that are flushable- usually in the grocery store aisle with the toilet paper (here in the U.S.). Seems like a logical place in any country though, so try them- they are cheaper than a plumber. Backed-up toilet, no thank you...

    I love them. I bring them to work because the tp is CHEAP and scratchy and that is just wrong!

  3. Don't apologise to Nigel....we love people like keeps us in business :)

  4. So much to say! haha Glad your awesomeness brought you back to life after your double bout of food poisoning.

    A "downy" bird? Aw, that's cute and sad. I once saw a cat that had a bad liver and made him act all drunk and confused. Sad and funny at the same time.

    Glad your hiney is fresh and back at home with your hubs.

  5. GOD I HAVE MISSED YOU......and your ass.

    tell Blake to man up and admit he loves the wipes.....I know my hubby does!!!

  6. Any man who says he doesn't skid should have to wear his dirty shorts pinned to his chest for a week so they are proof to himself AND the world that he's still a man.

  7. Oh my god you crack me up - only you could follow a sentance containing the phrase "over shitting ring of fire" with a comment about being "anal about use-by dates"!!! Do you ever worry about becoming famous for the first-ever fecal-based blog??? :)
    On a merrier note, glad to hear you are re-united with your man - I hate being apart from my wife, it sucks. And for the record I have not, nor will I ever, use a baby wipe on my bum. I do, however, keep them in the fridge in the kitchen at work, so when it's full service and 100 degrees in there, they can be used as a wonderful cooling face wipe. Tips from the Top ;)

  8. HA I've only just found the time to read your past few blogs, I know I went a bit mental about the plumbing in the wipe post, but I am just channeling Nigel who goes mental about it to me.
    Just try to limit it to 1 wipe per go OK, not a whole packet.... haha couldn't resist!


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