Farty Party Pants

I detest going to the doctors. So much so that by the time I do get round to going, I'm usually half dead & completely desperate for some insight on whatever condition may be plaguing me at the time. This only happens about once a year. I generally keep pretty good health. The power of positive thinking & an orange a day is a powerful thing. I don't bother with vitamins, herbal supplements etc because I think it's all a crock & I really truly believe that I am the master of my own health.

However, at the moment I have a problem in my stomach region. It's beyond even my powers. If I was being honest I would tell you that I've actually had this problem since I got back from my honeymoon in April last year after taking a hideous amount of painkillers for about 3 weeks on end when I had the worst toothache in the entire universe.

I have an ache in my tum. A constant dull, crampy, & sometimes really painful ache. Like a good detective I have self diagnosed a few times. Who needs doctors when you have Google right! Just when a think I know what it is something else crops up on the symptom list to throw me off my tracks. I did actually go to the doctors about 8-9 months ago. He feigned interest & told me to take some mylanta because it's probably indigestion. I took antacids as advised by Dr C, & wouldn't you know it, it didn't get better.

I'd kind of got used to the dull ache & discomfort but now it seems to have moved to whole new level.

I constantly have a gurgly bubbly gut accompanied by a constant, (but definitely NOT bubbly), gurgly ass. It makes groaning noises which are similar to cold copper pipes trying to get water cranking through them in mid winter. The amount of gas is insane & I'm not even embarrassed. It's quite impressive. If I try & hold the farts in, my belly swells up like the duff beer float on The Simpson's. At a gig a few months ago I had to walk off stage, straight outside & I literally farted for 1 whole minute. I am not joking. At my friends on Saturday night I kept excusing myself to go & fart outside until her brother who I don't know came round & I got shy & just sat on it for a few hours. That nearly killed me. I had to undo my pants.

After I eat I feel like vomiting. This has started happening in the last week. I don't actually vomit but the nausea is so overwhelming that I have to lay down & nap. Miraculously when I wake up I'm fine until I eat again. And god know's I'm never going to stop doing that.

I got to tell ya I don't have much faith in GP's. I always get the feeling they don't really care & we're all just a number. One more number closer til their home time. So I'm going to go to A&E. I pay my taxes therefore I am entitled to get the urgent & mostly thorough care they provide. I hate hospital, needles & anything that even remotely smells of hospital plus from other people's past experiences you do literally have to be dead before someone takes you seriously. This could be interesting. 

a couple of hours later...................................

I have been sitting at work most of the morning having backwards & forwards conversations with myself  & anyone that will listen on whether I should or shouldn't go to A&E. Why are some of us humans so ignorant about their health. I mean I don't believe this mysterious abdo prob of mine is life threatening but what if it was? One of the cab drivers at work told me this morning that his daughter died when her bowel herniated into her stomach. Good one, thanks for sharing that. I have scared myself now so I am definitely going to go & get it checked out today. Promise.

SHIT BUM FUCK<<<<<<<That was just me having a verbal Becky-style panic attack. 

Ok right I'm going now. Well in 30 minutes when I finish work. Bugger it.

Bx